Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
