You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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