I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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