I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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