did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
