Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
