he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
