I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
