Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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