Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
You smell like stripper and shame
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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