Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
