I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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