my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
