If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
