You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
