I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It's Friday. Sex?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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