There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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