The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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