Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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