Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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