Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
