why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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