i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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