as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
