my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
