I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
