If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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