He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
