My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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