i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize