I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
