I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
