I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
