If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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