my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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