Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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