I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
