i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
