Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
