Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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