Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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