i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
