so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
whose parrot is this?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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