I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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