And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
