i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
