apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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