I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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