I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
