He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
