Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
