if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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