WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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