She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
They have beer where we have blood.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
