Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize