I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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