can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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