my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
being pregnant is like rehab
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
