Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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