i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
