we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
