Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
