It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize